Self Defense For The Law Abiding

Michael Bane has a post up about Self-Defense in Non-Permissive Environments. It's a good write up for what it is but it's lacking in foresight. I mean he only covers what are good legal options for this round of legislative looniness. What about next year? I'm sure when they reconvene next year and get a new set of marching orders from D.C. via NYC put their heads together they'll realize that since they passed Darth Biden's their brand spankin' new gun owner control laws crime didn't decrease, it actually increased. And that right there is a call for action, lemme tell ya. So I'm gonna peer into my crystal ball and have a look at options to protect yourself whilst complying with Bloomie the Hut's Colorado's future gun owner control mandates:

In 2014 they'll stop all this nonsense about features and capacities and what not. Instead, they'll cut to the chase and deem some propellants way too powerful for non-governmental use. And accordingly, guns designed after the invention of those proscribed propellents will be banned altogether, which will make everyone safer by not having bewildered consumers wander around from one model of firearm to the next trying in vain to comparison shop.

Now I know what you're thinking - that'd be agin' that there Second amendment, wouldn't it? Nope. It would if it covered all the guns in common use, but since there'll still be some options it doesn't infringe on your rights not one nary little bit - all the wisest justices will say so, so it must be true!

That smokeless powder? Nuh-uh. If you have nothing to hide then you shouldn't try to decrease the clouds of smoke from your firing position now should ya? So those fancy stick and ball powders are right out, along with any cartridges or firearms that make use of them. The bonus is if you have stock in Pyrodex you'll be looking pretty dandy - until that new 110% tax on profits kicks in (you live in the brokest nation in history, so new revenue can't be ruled out as a legislative priority ya know).

The best way to go is with the ol' Ruger Old Army. If you want to be all cool about it you can grab an extra cylinder for a "quick" reload after your six shots are spent (shouldn't take more than 30 seconds!) If you want to be really cool (and not walk around with a capped and loaded cylinder in your pocket - which will cause impolite stares if nothing more trauma-unit-ish) you can grab a conversion cylinder like this one from Howell's so it'll use fixed metallic cartridges instead of loose powder, cap & ball. But remember, only use black powder or a substitute, both for the revolvers' design limitations as well as the limitation on smokeless powder use to military, police and official bodyguards of people more important than you.

Course Belt Mountain does offer a quick change cylinder that'll cut that reload time in half:

For carrying I'd look at something from Mernickle Custom Holsters, Western Leather Holsters, or Ross Leather (though I'm sure there are other holstering options just as good).

I'd suggest something easier to conceal like the New Model Pocket Remington in that guaranteed 18-shot-stop .31 caliber, but they'll do away with that scary practice of toting "hidden" guns by summer of 2015 anyway.

For your long gun needs there is the Remington Revolving Carbine. 6 shots of .44 caliber round ball as fast as you can pull the trigger (after you cock the hammer for each shot of course)! Just remember to wear a long sleeve shirt. A thick sleeved long sleeve shirt. Asbestos is preferable.

All good things come to an end though, and with the rise in popularity of those high capacity assault LeMat's that'll quickly take center stage for self defense, by 2016 we'll see a reduction to 2 shots maximum in every firearm (after all, the 10 shots in a LeMat are a bit excessive - who needs 10 shots to protect themselves right? It's not like you'll ever miss, or be set upon by more than one attacker at a time right? And bullets are magic so one hit always stops anyone, right? And no one needs more than 2 shots to hunt, anyway, right?). But not to worry, there's always an option for the law abiding!

A Howdah pistol (and a rather spiffy looking one at that). Two shots as fast as you can pull the trigger (and cock the hammer, and cap the nipples of course)!

For your long gun needs there's the 3 Band Enfield Rifle, just like was used in the Late Unpleasantness. 3, maybe 4 shots a minute are possible with this veritable manual transmission of legal self defense goodness!

The problem is, of course, that by 2017 the crime rate will still not be anywhere close to receding, so the only logical thing to do will be to do it again, only harder! This means there'll have to be an inanimate scapegoat (cause the poor little robbers and murderers are simply the product of an imperfect society, economic inequality, capitalism and evil objects within reach) and likely that will be the demon rum tobacco percussion cap. (Which I personally was never convinced wasn't just a fad anyway.)

Not to worry - there's the double barrel flintlock pistol! 2 shots as fast as you can pull the triggers (and cock the hammer, and make sure your rock hasn't fallen out of course)!

Long guns will be limited to one shot however, due to the surge in people just opening their back door and firing two blasts from their double barreled (percussion, muzzle-loading) shotguns up in the air to scare away any "problems". (Besides, who needs more than one shot to shoot deer/burglars/rapists/squads of heavily armed government agents bent on oppression and subjugation?)

But the law abiding have no reason to complain, after all the legislature of Bloomberg Colorado won't leave you completely defenseless - there's the Baker Rifle! With a little practice you'll be able to load 2, maybe 3 rounds a minute in no time!

Shotgunners shouldn't feel left out, as there'll still be the blunderbuss to fulfill all your quasi tight patterning needs!

I would mention how easy it is on most of the aforementioned to add a rail for the attachment of lights and lasers, but due to a slight drafting language oversight/typo (no one is really sure how it'll happen yet because the governor will issue a signing statement that'll assure us this won't be the case...) all light emitting, gathering and/or using devices, including flashlights, scopes, lasers, red dots and holographic sights become banned for weapons use in the 2014 Lasers Only Safe Enforcing Regulations Act. Through a 2015 court case, the LOSER Act will be deemed to cover slings and bayonets as well, though no one knows why exactly...

Nevertheless 2 shots in a pistol and 2 to 3 shots per minute from a rifle or blunderbuss - what more could you need right? Well, actually there's a snag; ya see in 2018 a representative from an unnamed part of Manhattan Adams county will shoot his mouth off - literally - with a double barreled pistol. So - you guessed it - 2 becomes 1 quicker than a phone call from the vice president. But as long as you're law abiding you have nothing to worry about, as you can always use this Royal Navy Sea Service pistol!

Or if you're more safety conscious there's the French 1733 Model Calvary pistol (being a French design it can't possibly be made to hurt anyone, unless dropped on a foot mid-surrender of course)!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in 2019 someone will sneak a pistol into a forest, and it'll be deemed unnecessary for the public safety for such shenanigans to continue, what with crime increasing at the most rapid rate in years and with society being safer than it ever has been. So all pistols will be banned. 2020, 2022 and 2023 will see the proscription of flintlocks, matchlocks, and all propellents (which is a shame cause now I don't have an excuse to show off this really neat matchlock musquette).

But never worry - the good folks in the government of Colorado, despite their somewhat peculiar Upper East Side accents, would never leave you defenseless. There's always an option for the law abiding!

Get them while you can! (Only 3 government permits required! And the wait time will be reduced to 7 months by 2023!) My crystal ball only works 10 years into the future so hurry up and buy yours cause these "assault slingshots" may be banned next...

Ain't it great to be a law abiding gun owner?

Posted by Publicola at April 12, 2013 10:12 AM | TrackBack