June 02, 2005

Spiders Get Death Sentence At annika's House

SACRAMENTO - A death sentence was declared against all spiders at annika's house today. After discovering a large black widow spider nesting under her front door, annika declared the death sentence, which will apply indefinitely.

The black widow spider was first stunned with a steady stream of Formula 409 household cleanser, which did not kill the spider, but only slowed its movements until a large garden hoe could be procured and the spider properly squashed.

Asked why she didn't just step on the bug, annika said, "Are you fucking kidding me? Those things are deadly."

Technically, the death sentence will not apply to non-black widow species found outdoors. annika recently witnessed a small jumping spider stalk and kill a daddy longlegs, and she decided that that was a good thing.

"i hate those daddy longlegs thingies, cuz they can fly," she said.

But indoors, it's no-holds-barred.

"i hope them spiders know i'll be gunning for them," annika said. "oftentimes i dump my clothes on the floor if i'm too lazy to put them away. i don't want to put on a pair of jeans in the morning and get bit in the ass."

Posted by annika at June 2, 2005 01:16 AM

You know, every time you kill a spider, the baby Cthullu cries.

Posted by: Victor at June 2, 2005 07:21 AM

Such ruthless slaughter. Make sure PETA does not learn of this.

Posted by: Mark at June 2, 2005 10:51 AM

This is incredible! She even tortured it with a chemical agent before beating it to death with a hoe. Amnesty International must be informed immediately!

Posted by: d-rod at June 2, 2005 11:05 AM

"until a large garden hoe could be procured"
is this ho anything like the ones on my corner?
how much did you pay her?
were you afraid of entrapment?

"and get bit in the ass."
did you say IN the ass?
that's nasty man.

Posted by: louielouie at June 2, 2005 11:38 AM

Daddy longlegs do not fly.

Posted by: Ralph B. Kostant at June 3, 2005 12:07 AM

Mayflies perhaps? (the flying daddy long legs thingies)

But don't take it from me. I can't stand ANY bugs, and if they're inside, they ALL die. :)

Posted by: Amy Bo Bamy at June 4, 2005 10:26 AM

Forgot to mention: There have been no documented deaths from a black widow bite for more than 20 years. A bite is painful, but rarely deadly. You're more likely to die from smoking than from a spider bite.

Spider murderess.

Posted by: Victor at June 5, 2005 08:23 PM

Correct, daddy longlegs do not fly. That's pretty damn obvious. Which is why "i hate those daddy longlegs thingies, cuz they can fly," is a funny thing to say. It made me laugh. Sheez, some people.

(P.S. A friend of mine got bit in the ass by a brown recluse. Rotted out a big chunk of flesh and left a big hole in her buttcheek.)

Posted by: Joe at June 10, 2005 07:54 PM

damn! a pothole in a butt cheek! get a tarantula to eat the black widow.

Posted by: bill at July 10, 2005 05:33 PM
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