when she passes gas, she passes flashbangs

she keeps her Tupperware in a Kydex cupboard

that's she wears black combat boots to bed

that she put a fore-end grip on her vacuum cleaner

that she put a pic rail on her mop

that she hangs out in gun shops talking about her days in the Rhodesian Light Infantry

that she painted her HK uberpistol white to match her pearls

when someone says "Dass da bomb", she be callin' in EOD

she parkerized the minivan

she power walks the mall in Kevlar

she embroidered your name in your Thunderwear

she no knock raids the Avon lady

Mall Ninja uses her as role model

She got her own brand of chili, "OC", 'cuz it burns sooo good

her bra got Fastex buckles instead of a hook

her combat boots be Danner's

she be "slicing the pie" every time she come in the kitchen

she only put Thunder Ranch dressing on her salad

she wake you up for school wit a flash-bang grenade

your name be John Connor

when you had the flu she gave you a cough suppressor

she wears nitro-gas carburized black oxide fake fingernails

your sister's name is Tennifer

after two cups of coffee she has to take a +P...and if it was three cups it'll be a +P+

she traded the pickup truck in for a full auto

when Spring rolls around, she does "house to house" cleaning

when she sits around the house, she set up a perimeter and call in a negotiator

when she say "dust off th' furniture", she mean "call in a rescue chopper for th' sofa"

when she "takes the kids to practice", she mean "junior IDPA"

she got a Sure Fire light mounted on the broom...(she got a lanyard on it, too)

she carries two armored plates in her briefcase in case she ambushed in the mall

she's a gun writer

when she wakes up in the morning she rappels downstairs and interdicts breakfast

she don't wear curlers to bed, she wear night vision goggles

when your dad ask her to spot him twenty, she call for backup and look for a way to enfilade

she doesn't have children, she has "team members"

her wedding dress was made of Nomex

when she wanna make a hot casserole, she load it up with C4

she fills the litter box with No. 6 shot

she be "inserting" the kids at school, an' "extracting" them in th' afternoon

she be makin' the kids walk in snake formation behind her at the supermarket

she serves mashed potatos and +p's

she has SWAT tattooed on her backside

she orders your daddy to 'assume the position'

her blood type is Hoppe's

she has Kevlar panties

her vacuum cleaner has a silencer

her idea of foreplay is hand-to-hand combat

she got an "Air Strike" button on her celphone

that 911 calls HER when theres a "woman with a gun" report

she dont scream when she see a mouse, she doubletaps him

she uses a bloody ColdSteel Recon Tanto to cut her pies

the only color yarn she knit with is urban camouflage

when she gardens she wears a ghillie suit

at halloween she hand out shell extractors and stripper clips

at Christmas, she "cuffed and stuffed" Santa Claus

her lingerie is made outta black paracord

she gets her condoms from HOGUE

her kitchen knives are wrapped with skateboard tape

if a jar is too tight, she pops it open with det-cord

when she takes a belt to your butt, it's a Mitch Rosen

when she takes a belt to your butt, it's a Mitch Rosen

she make Jello out of ballistic gelatin

she don't drink coffee out of a coffee mug...she be drinkin' it from a Blackhawk Tactical Caffeine Transfer Unit

she don't carry house keys...she carry dynamic entry tools

when she go to the opera, she don't bring binoculars, she bring a Leupold spotting scope

on her SUV, she got shooting ports in the windows and a gun mount on the sunroof

when she wants to squeeze cock, she grabs her HK P7M8

she don't drink Vodka and Sprite, she drink Heckler and Koch

her lingerie is in "Realtree"

she has "Hondo" on speed dial

that her bedsheets convert into black parasails

when she sits around the house, she sends a round though the house from the sitting position

she crochet with 550 cord

her purse attaches to her 782 gear with LC-1 clips

her hairnet is Nomex

she calls your conception a "Tap, Rack, an' Bang"

she uses grenade pins on da baby's diaper

she cleans house with a satchel charge

her mating call is 'lock and load!'

she uses claymores for pest control

during the heat of passion, she yells, 'fire in the hole!'

she uses a bore scrubber as her mascara brush

she uses Hodgdon B-LC(2) to powder her nose

her car's still on fire from the last time it broke down and she TOWed it

she got a preban Hoover

she loads her tampons in stripper clips

her licence plate is C4MAMA

her teeth have blasting caps

her idea of jewelry is brass knucles and wire ties

her panties are embroidered with "PROP. OF LAPD"

her business suits are all full metal jacket

she wear a size 9mm

her bra size be 38 +P

her shoes be double taps

instead of Special K she eats Spec Ops brand cereal

she use J-B Bore Bright for toothpaste

she use an M16 cleaning brush for a toothbrush

that when your Dad orgasms, she yells "INCOMING!"

she makes the family eat dinner off of trauma plates

she look for pre-ban high-caps in the magazine section at the supermarket

her bi focals have nite vision

your umbillical was primer cord

her answering machine says, 'sound off like ya gotta pair.'

she shaves with a machete

she uses Hoppes for a personal lubricant

her breast pump is a twelve gauge

she has a monthly column in Shotgun News

she use bayonets as kitchen knives

when she was a cheerleader, she practiced team insertion

that the kids' yardwork requires an OP plan and rapid deployment

she be developin' a new line of "intimate wear" called "Uncle Mike's Secret"

she's a moderator on The Firing Line

she sets mousetraps with itty bitty Claymores

"Bedtime, kids, lights out" is punctuated with a 3-round burst in the ceiling light

at dinner in her house everyone drinks from their own Camelback

she opens her mail with a breaching round

her bedroom slippers have Vibram soles

she uses pepper spray in her chilli

her car runs on tear gas

instead of 'silly putty', her kids play with c4

she clips coupons from "Guns and Ammo"

she has Ranger-Joes, Ammoman and Cheaper-than-dirt on the speed dial

she downloads MP-5's to listen to while she jogs

her kids are named Gaston,Cooper, and John Moses

she calls her mother-in-law 'ma duce'

her Powerball numbers are 870357223

her hair dryer has Pachmayr grips and a Kydex thigh rig

her fingernails are NP-3

her cake mixer has a polymer frame and Pierce extension

her highheels are made by Rocky and Magnum

she's got 7 sets of the new USMC cammies, one for each day of the week

her church added a "Reserved for Tactical Mama" spot, because her Bradley wouldnt fit in a normal parking space

she uses Hoppe's #9 for mouthwash

she got everyone new mess kits for Christmas

when the school bus pulls up she hollars to the kids.."STAND IN THE DOOR!"..."GREEN LIGHT! GO! GO! GO!"

all her kids have Top Secret clearances

the local gas station has a pump labelled "JP8" just for her car

she butters her biscuits with bore butter

she uses GAA for hair grease

she has a "Bouncing Betty" for a door knocker

her lipstick colors are Olive Drab, Forest Green, Desert Sand

all her bedtime stories come from FM's and SOP's

she let my mama look at her Special Forces Tattoo

she use the garage do' opener for a target trolley

when yo Daddy come home, she don't ask him about his day, she debrief him

she packs yo lunch in Cosmoline

her bath powder is IMR

for foreplay she wants yo daddy to insert a primer

she uses CLP instead of KY

when she's in the mood she tells your dad that she's feeling really Hornady

when she yell at yo Daddy to bring her a SAW from the garage, she don't mean the thing with a circular blade

when she orders Chinese take-out, it's Norinco

she has a Gerber letter opener

her toilet is armor plated